Humor Archive--The Compleat Mother Magazine of Pregnancy, Childbirth and Breastfeeding

RECIPE FOR BRUCE STROGANOFF
- Cooking for MEN!

This simple, yet elegant meal can serve a family of five, mainly because at least four of them will refuse to eat it. The leftovers can be kept in the refrigerator for a long time, though no one I know has ever actually eaten them except the dog, so I can't speak to how well they keep.

The ingredients are as follows:

One frozen loaf of bread dough; One bag of the noodles that are thick and curly; One onion; One six pack of beer; One and a half pounds of frozen ground meat; A tub of sour cream; Two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup; (A low fat version can be made by substituting water for any of the above)

Though the instructions on the frozen bread suggest four to six hours of gentle thawing, I recommend you show it who is boss around here and don't pull it out of the freezer until about an hour before you're going to eat. Grease the thing with butter until it feels like a slippery brick and stick it in a bread pan. Put a towel over the top because you have seen other people do this. Pre-heat the oven--the more frozen the loaf, the hotter you're going to want the oven to be. I usually shoot for between four and six hundred degrees.

Chop up the onion until you are sobbing and dump it into a pan. Heat the pan on medium until you get impatient, then flip it to high. Open your first beer.

Gradually, a sizzling sound will attract your attention. This is the noise onions make as they adhere themselves to the bottom of the pan. Don't overreact: Scraping the onions and flipping them over just means they will wind up being burned on BOTH sides. When the smoke alarm begins blaring, it is time to add the frozen block of ground beef.

There is no reason why, at this point, you shouldn't have another beer.

You know the meat is done when it is black on all sides and still hard in the middle. Break it into chunks with a spatula or a screwdriver. Stir it around a few times, if it makes you feel better. Most people recommend draining the grease from the pan, but I have discovered this is completely impossible without dumping the meat into the sink (although the onions will remain in place on the
bottom of the pan no matter what you do.) Once the meat is in the sink it mixes with the debris in the drain trap and becomes Something Other Than Bruce Stroganoff. Perhaps the resulting mixture is best labeled "The Recipe formally known as Bruce."

Open the cream of mushroom soup and the sour cream and pour them on top of the meat. You don't want to look too closely at the result. Set a large kettle of water on top of the stove, stick the bread in the oven, and open a beer. And you thought this was going to be tough!

Eventually the meat mixture will begin burping like a Yellowstone geyser. Large clumps of steaming Bruce Stroganoff will eject into the air and land with a satisfying plop on the stove top, which will make you very popular with your wife later. Pour the noodles into the kettle and let 'em boil. Check the bread, which should be forming a tough, callous-like skin on the surface. When the kettle
overflows, remain calm--the cascading water will cool the burner and cause the boiling to subside, maintaining a safe and harmonious balance. Occasionally, pick a noodle out with a fork and throw it against the wall.

1. Throw the noodle, not the fork.

2. If the noodle sticks to the wall, it is because (a) your dinner is ready, or (b) the wall is so tacky from cooking noodles in the past that an oil slick would stick to it.

3. If the noodle ricochets off the wall and breaks some dishes, you might want to let them boil a little longer.

By now the delicious smell of the bread is filling your house, and your children are calling their friends in a desperate attempt to be invited somewhere else for dinner. Pull the bread out and extinguish the flames by pouring water on it. Dump the noodles in the sink where, interestingly enough, they will all be stuck together in one large, starchy mass. Chop this up with the screw driver, toss on a hunk of bread, and pour the sauce liberally over the top.

Enjoy.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* The probability that the piece of toast will land jelly side down is in direct proportion to the value of the carpet.
And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you...

THE TRUTH ABOUT ROMANCE

                   How Does a Person Decide
                         Who to Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're goingto marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10

              Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" -Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" - Freddie, age 6

                How Can a Stranger Tell if
                  Two People are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
                          Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad
                       Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." - Lori, age 8

             What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
                          Martin, age 10

              What the Children Would Do on a
              First Date That Was Turning Sour

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig, age 9

              When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich!" -Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." -Howard, age 8

                The Great Debate: Is It Better
                to Be Single or Married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" -Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" -Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
                             Kirsten, age 10

                 What Advice Do You Have for a
                 Young Couple About to Be Married?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I
got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"-Craig, age 9

              What Promises Do a Man and a Woman
              Make When They Get Married?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -Marlon, age 10

              How to Make a Marriage Work

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck!" -Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." -Lori, age 8

             Getting Married for a Second Time

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." -Angie L., age 10

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" -Roberta, age 7

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something,
ALL the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it IS mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9 If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10 If it's broken, it's YOURS.

A Jewish mother was bragging about her son. "He spends $200 an hour, just to talk to a big-shot psychiatrist, and what do you suppose he talks about? Me!"
J.M.

1) The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
2) Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
3) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and ball of fire by night.
4) Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
5) The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultry.
6) Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
7) Solomon had 300 wives and 700 Porcupines.
8) The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
9) Paul preached holy acrimone, which is another name for marriage.
10) A Christian should only have one wife. This is called monotony.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied bya complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married _____ If less than your age, explain ________________Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________

A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________A tattoo?_____________(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? _____________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________

Church you attend________ ______________________________________________________

How often you attend ___________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________ priest? _______________

mother? _____________ parole officer? _______

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:_______________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

Have a nice day!.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts,John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever sinceyou were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON

How many of these fit YOU??

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for
you.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a
reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."