Eternally Pregnant

Read The Thing
by Janis Honea

 

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THE COMPLEAT FORMULA?

The other day the phone rang at The Complete Mother site and the caller wanted to know about purchasing The Complete Formula.   I asked where she had heard about this product and she said that she had learned about it from our magazine.

I wondered if this was a prank call?  But the woman seemed so earnest.  I asked what she intended to do with The Complete Formula and she said, "To feed babies."

I told her we were a magazine devoted to breastfeeding.  She still wanted to know about ordering cases of The Complete Formula.  I told her "The Complete Formula is breastmilk."

She asked, "How can I get some?"

I told her it comes out of women's breasts naturally after they give birth.  That it is the best nutrition for newborns that exists.

She then asked how much it cost.   I could tell she wasn't understanding what breastfeeding is about, or else wasn't listening.

I repeated that breastmilk is The Complete Formula and we had non for sale.  That women got it for free from their own breasts in order to breastfeed their babies.

She then said, "Oh, I'm a nurse at XXX hospital.  One of the patients here asked us to look into getting The Complete Formula for her.  I feel so stupid now.  The Complete Formula isn't formula at all.  Thank you for your time."   She then hung up.

I was laughing so hard at having someone so thoroughly misunderstand what the Complete Mother Magazine is all about.   But it gave me an idea.  If universal code labels were preinted up on sticky paper and affixed to nursing breasts, do you think the government would approve payment for it as a formula?

Yvonne Cryns (wife of editor Greg Cryns)



Birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.


God Answers a Man's Prayer

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's incredibly difficult! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I didn't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying...I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I want, Lord."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Top l0 reasons to have a homebirth
~by Gloria Lemay

To test the theory that "Not even the most doting mother can stand the voice of her two year old at 8 centimeters dilation".

To enjoy the sounds of an electric air compressor inflating the fishy pool at 3 a.m.

To make all your girlfriends jealous when you tell them you made love to your hubby as soon as the
midwives left.

To avoid having to jam those puffy feet into a pair of street shoes in order to go to the hospital.

Because you are a selfish, fanatical woman who only wants to have a big orgasm and you don't really give a damn about your baby!

Because you want to see if it's true what your homebirth friend told you that it would feel like your butt is splitting in two when that little forehead passes over the anus. (You've always been the curious type).

You want to see if those smart aleck midwives will really be able to keep your white eiderdown stain-free.

To prove to your mother-in-law that you are more stubborn and determined than she has ever been, and she better not mess with you anymore.

Because you take a perverse delight in other people running around with flashlights at 2 a.m. looking for addresses, while you stay cozy and warm waiting for them.

AND, THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO HAVE A HOMEBIRTH IS:

To throw a monkey wrench into the billing dept of the HMOs so they have to come up with new billing codes for something they thought went out of style with the horse and buggy.


Actual newspaper clippings:

-For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
-We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"  He said, "Call for backup."


A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A small child replied:  "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
  _____________________________________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?  Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


(Searching for Author - the story below is one of those gems flying around the Internet electrons. If you are the author, please contact me at greg@rsg.org for full credit.)

Ham Sandwich

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.  A thick slab of  ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light  brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to  the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son)  while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was  reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
 I had no napkin.
  I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.   It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.  With a washcloth in each hand I did
the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.' "


"No Children allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.


Your First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.  Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.


Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post
office?
A.) They're hiring.

Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A.) "Dam."

Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest?
A.) They take the psycho path.

Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
A.) Polaroids.

Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A.) National Dyslexia Association.

Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A.) Nacho Cheese.

Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers?
A.) Subordinate Clauses.

Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A.) Quattro sinko.

Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow?
A.) Spoiled milk.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A.) Frostbite.

Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A.) A nervous wreck.

Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A.) Anyone can roast beef.

Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A.) They all have phones.

Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A.) Sanka.

Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A.) Because they have big fingers.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A.) A stick.


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Fast Food: Two convenient locations


"ATONE FOR YOUR SINS BY CASTING THE CORRECT BREAD UPON THE WATERS"

For ordinary sins, use white bread.
For exotic sins, French bread.
For particularly dark sins, pumpernickel.
For complex sins, multi-grain.
For twisted sins, pretzels.
For tasteless sins, rice cakes.
For sins of indecision, waffles.
For substance abuse, poppy-seed.


The Images of a Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom


TWO LITTLE KIDS

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next
to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid
leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I
had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  I couldn't walk for a year!

- Submitted by Carol Oliver


The Granny Midwife

The young family is expecting their first baby.  The mom  is very big, but they put that down to the size of the father's family - the baby will probably be a big baby.  The midwife tells her not to worry; she'll do fine when her time comes.

The time comes and they call Granny.  Now, the family has no electricity, neither do their neighbors and it's dark when the  baby finally begins to make its appearance.   Granny tells the dad, "Sonny, you can't sit out in the kitchen (as most men there would do). I need you to hold that lantern just so, so as I can see what I'm doing."  He does and soon Granny tells him, "Why looky there!  Your first child and you got a son!  Congratulations! But this sure is a small baby for how big she was. Hum......."  They are happy and rejoicing, but soon, mom says she has to push again.  Granny has the dad hold the lantern close again so she can see, but instead of the placenta, here comes another baby!  "Well, Sonny, you hit the jackpot, for sure!  A boy and a girl first time out! No wonder she was so big."  Now, mom and dad each have
a baby to hold and everyone is really, really happy.  But, soon, Granny says, "Sonny, hold that lantern a little closer, I think there's another one a-comin'!" The dad does just that barely long enough for the newest baby to enter the world.

Granny notices the light getting darker and darker. She turns around and notices the dad sliding slowly out the bedroom door.  "Sonny, where are you going? I need that light!" "Granny, I've got to get this here light out of here.  I think the light's attracting 'em!"


ACTUAL UNEDITED DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENT'S CHARTS

  • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient was seen by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Things My Children Taught Me

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush and "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


Life Science Exam


A student, not necessarily a well-prepared student, sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

"What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the  best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Ummmmmm. So far so good, maybe.

But the exam demanded a four-part answer.  Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed.

He frowned.

He scowled.

Then sighed again.

But suddenly, he brightened.  He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers ! ! !


Holy Bloopers Heard At Church

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet please come forward to get a piece of paper.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the men will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The Eighth-Graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s HAMLET in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.


Q&A

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.


One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.  He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes", was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"


Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January.  Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.  Tell me, can a baby  this big be that early?  (signed, Wondering)

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it.


My gynecologist laughed when I told him how bitchy
I get during my period. So I shot him.


ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
By Charles Wilkes (UK)

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins," then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed. - --


You Got Gas?

Last time I stopped for gas, where the employees speak only a little English, I noticed the attendant reading my "For a Special Delivery, Call a Midwife" bumper sticker. Leaning out the window, I asked, "In the country where you come from, are there midwives?" He hesitated, looked wistful, and replied: "In India where I am from, we are only allowed to have one wife at a time."
J.M.


Had To Share This One:

One day when my sons were 3 1/2 years and 4 months old, I was sitting in the kitchen using my electric breast pump to relieve some engorgement. My preschooler came in and stopped to see what was going on. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Pumping breast milk," I replied. He stared at the milk in the collection bottle for a moment, then he asked, "Are you pumpin it in--or out?"
Marg Jean West  Stirling, Alberta


My toddler daughter was given a dollhouse which was hours of fun. Little Justine wouldn't allow the baby doll to stay in her crib, however, but insisted she sleep where she belonged, in the master bedroom with Mommy and Daddy doll.
Lisa Cho  Vancouver, British columbia

BREASTFEED

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