by Janis Honea
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Read It Stains!
other day the phone rang at The Complete Mother site and the caller wanted
to know about purchasing The Complete Formula.
I asked where she had heard about this product and she said that
she had learned about it from our magazine.
wondered if this was a prank call? But
the woman seemed so earnest. I
asked what she intended to do with The Complete Formula and she said,
"To feed babies."
told her we were a magazine devoted to breastfeeding.
She still wanted to know about ordering cases of The Complete
Formula. I told her "The
Complete Formula is breastmilk."
asked, "How can I get some?"
told her it comes out of women's breasts naturally after they give birth.
That it is the best nutrition for newborns that exists.
then asked how much it cost. I
could tell she wasn't understanding what breastfeeding is about, or else
repeated that breastmilk is The Complete Formula and we had non for sale.
That women got it for free from their own breasts in order to
breastfeed their babies.
then said, "Oh, I'm a nurse at XXX hospital.
One of the patients here asked us to look into getting The Complete
Formula for her. I feel so
stupid now. The Complete
Formula isn't formula at all. Thank
you for your time." She
then hung up.
was laughing so hard at having someone so thoroughly misunderstand what
the Complete Mother Magazine is all about.
But it gave me an idea. If
universal code labels were preinted up on sticky paper and affixed to
nursing breasts, do you think the government would approve payment for it
as a formula?
Cryns (wife of editor Greg Cryns)
A man asked his wife what she'd
like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything
there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her
head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with
extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie,
the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned
over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
listening, he will still get it wrong.
God Answers a Man's Prayer
A man was walking along a
California beach and was in deep
prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised me the
desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right
now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a
booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and
determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish
request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his
request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't
disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in
all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying
and I get very sea sick on boats. Could you build a bridge to
Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's incredibly difficult! Think
of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how
much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little
disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify
your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and
glorify Me as well."
The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think
of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal,
Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I didn't care and that I'm insensitive. So I
wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they
feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the
silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying...I want
to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want
to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I
After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on
Top l0 reasons to have a
~by Gloria Lemay
To test the theory that "Not even the most doting
mother can stand the voice of her two year old at 8
To enjoy the sounds of an electric air compressor
inflating the fishy pool at 3 a.m.
To make all your girlfriends jealous when you tell
them you made love to your hubby as soon as the
To avoid having to jam those puffy feet into a pair of
street shoes in order to go to the hospital.
Because you are a selfish, fanatical woman who only
wants to have a big orgasm and you don't really give a
damn about your baby!
Because you want to see if it's true what your
homebirth friend told you that it would feel like your
butt is splitting in two when that little forehead
passes over the anus. (You've always been the curious
You want to see if those smart aleck midwives will
really be able to keep your white eiderdown
To prove to your mother-in-law that you are more
stubborn and determined than she has ever been, and
she better not mess with you anymore.
Because you take a perverse delight in other people
running around with flashlights at 2 a.m. looking for
addresses, while you stay cozy and warm waiting for
AND, THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO HAVE A HOMEBIRTH IS:
To throw a monkey wrench into the billing dept of the
HMOs so they have to come up with new billing codes
for something they thought went out of style with the
horse and buggy.
Actual newspaper clippings:
-For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
-We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
A police recruit was asked during
the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the
children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't
get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was
discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what
is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my
side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
(Searching for Author - the
story below is one of those gems flying around the Internet electrons. If
you are the author, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for full credit.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was
perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and
plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my
sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only
time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did
the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'
Children allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.
Your First Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and
doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the
main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as
possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five
seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just
perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back
the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the
stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Q.) What does it mean when the flag is
at half mast at the post
A.) They're hiring.
Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest?
A.) They take the psycho path.
Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A.) National Dyslexia Association.
Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A.) Nacho Cheese.
Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers?
A.) Subordinate Clauses.
Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A.) Quattro sinko.
Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow?
A.) Spoiled milk.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A.) A nervous wreck.
Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A.) Anyone can roast beef.
Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A.) They all have phones.
Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A.) Because they have big fingers.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A.) A stick.
Fast Food: Two
convenient locations! Baby Diner(tm) nursing shirts are beautiful,
comfortable, and simple to use. Unique horizontal access makes these shirts
convenient for women of all sizes. Nurse your baby with comfort and
confidence in Baby Diner(tm) Style!http://www.babydiner.com
Fast Food: Two convenient locations
"ATONE FOR YOUR SINS BY CASTING THE
CORRECT BREAD UPON THE WATERS"
For ordinary sins, use white bread.
For exotic sins, French bread.
For particularly dark sins, pumpernickel.
For complex sins, multi-grain.
For twisted sins, pretzels.
For tasteless sins, rice cakes.
For sins of indecision, waffles.
For substance abuse, poppy-seed.
The Images of a Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom
TWO LITTLE KIDS
Two little kids are in a hospital,
lying on stretchers next
to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid
leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I
had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
I couldn't walk for a year!
- Submitted by Carol Oliver
The Granny Midwife
The young family is expecting their
first baby. The mom is very big, but they put that down to the
size of the father's family - the baby will probably be a big baby.
The midwife tells her not to worry; she'll do fine when her time comes.
The time comes and they call Granny. Now, the family has no
electricity, neither do their neighbors and it's dark when the baby
finally begins to make its appearance. Granny tells the dad,
"Sonny, you can't sit out in the kitchen (as most men there would do).
I need you to hold that lantern just so, so as I can see what I'm
doing." He does and soon Granny tells him, "Why looky there!
Your first child and you got a son! Congratulations! But this sure is
a small baby for how big she was. Hum......." They are happy and
rejoicing, but soon, mom says she has to push again. Granny has the
dad hold the lantern close again so she can see, but instead of the
placenta, here comes another baby! "Well, Sonny, you hit the
jackpot, for sure! A boy and a girl first time out! No wonder she was
so big." Now, mom and dad each have
a baby to hold and everyone is really, really happy. But, soon, Granny
says, "Sonny, hold that lantern a little closer, I think there's
another one a-comin'!" The dad does just that barely long enough for
the newest baby to enter the world.
Granny notices the light getting darker and darker. She turns around and
notices the dad sliding slowly out the bedroom door. "Sonny,
where are you going? I need that light!" "Granny, I've got to get
this here light out of here. I think the light's attracting 'em!"
ACTUAL UNEDITED DOCTORS' NOTES
ON PATIENT'S CHARTS
- On the 2nd day the knee was better
and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
- She has had no rigors or shaking
chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69
year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of
- Patient has left his white blood
cells at another hospital.
- Patient's past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past
- Patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be
able to get this lady pregnant.
- Since she can't get pregnant with
her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the ER, she was examined,
X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size
- She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is
still under our Car for physical therapy.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he
is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal
- The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic examination will be done
later on the floor.
- Patient was seen by Dr. Blank, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the
- Patient has two teenage children,
but no other abnormalities.
Things My Children Taught Me
If you spray hair spray on dust
bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
When you hear the toilet flush and "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Life Science Exam
A student, not necessarily a well-prepared student, sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
"What to write? He sighed, and
began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Ummmmmm. So far so good, maybe.
But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed.
Then sighed again.
But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers ! ! !
Holy Bloopers Heard At Church
The ladies of the church have cast off
clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet please come
forward to get a piece of paper.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an
egg on the alter.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
please come early.
The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the men will
start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Eighth-Graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s HAMLET in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who
doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful
enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for
big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
One day a man comes home from work to
find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas
playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all
around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes
on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the
table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn
with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to
her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes", was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I
didn't do it!"
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early? (signed, Wondering)
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
My gynecologist laughed
when I told him how bitchy
I get during my period. So I shot him.
MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
By Charles Wilkes (UK)
This is from an actual trial in the
A young woman who was several months
pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat
and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her
fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court,
the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When
the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which
read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins," then she moved under
one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling."
I was even more amused when she sat
under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The
Then I could not control myself any
longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed. - --
You Got Gas?
Last time I stopped for gas, where
the employees speak only a little English, I noticed the attendant reading
my "For a Special Delivery, Call a Midwife" bumper sticker.
Leaning out the window, I asked, "In the country where you come from,
are there midwives?" He hesitated, looked wistful, and replied:
"In India where I am from, we are only allowed to have one wife at a
Had To Share This One:
One day when my sons were 3
1/2 years and 4 months old, I was sitting in the kitchen using my electric
breast pump to relieve some engorgement. My preschooler came in and
stopped to see what was going on. "What are you doing?" he
asked. "Pumping breast milk," I replied. He stared at the milk
in the collection bottle for a moment, then he asked, "Are you pumpin
it in--or out?"
Marg Jean West Stirling, Alberta
My toddler daughter was given a dollhouse
which was hours of fun. Little Justine wouldn't allow the baby doll to
stay in her crib, however, but insisted she sleep where she belonged, in
the master bedroom with Mommy and Daddy doll.
Lisa Cho Vancouver, British columbia
Dear Mother Dear
here for the Home Sweet Homebirth (Video)